Awakening at the Crossroads: Why midlife might be your greatest adventure yet
Midway upon the journey of our life, I found myself within a forest dark, for the straightforward pathway had been lost
Dante Alighieri
Midlife can arrive in a whisper or with a bang. It can sneak up on us in the creak of a joint, in those birthday cards with big numbers and tacky jokes, with a sigh of nostalgia or a sense of vague overwhelm and longing for something different than the life we have.
It can also hit us with a sudden jolt, through illness, bereavement, loss of a job or relationship, when the children leave home…
However it comes, the realisation that we are moving into the second half of life, can be an unsettling time. Society and culture have cast midlife as a time of crisis, of inevitable decline: a convenient narrative for those who want to sell us anti-aging products!
What if midlife isn’t an unravelling, but an awakening? A pivotal chapter of life where the opportunity to ask, perhaps for the first time ‘who am I, really?’ and ‘what do I want from my life?’
Midlife doesn’t have to be a downhill slide, a recapturing of a lost youth or a ‘burn the house down’ crisis. It can be a stripping away of what no longer serves you, a pause to listen to the quiet voice inside you, the one who wants you to dare to step into the fullness of who you were always meant to be.
The journey within- discovering your true self
We cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life’s morning
Carl Jung
During the first half of life, we go to school, college, perhaps university, we start working for a living, develop our careers. We may find a partner, start a family and acquire the trappings of success, such as a home, a car, a ‘lifestyle’. In short, it’s an outward facing period of life, a necessary building phase where we establish a persona which allows us to function and thrive in society.
Carl Jung, the Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, saw the second half of life as less about acquiring things and social status, and more about finding meaning and purpose.
He saw midlife as an opportunity to ponder the more profound questions about the meaning of our existence and to begin to strip away the layers we’ve had to put on to survive and thrive in our families and societies. He called this process ‘individuation’ – a journey of becoming one’s true self, discovering one’s unique identity and purpose.
The illusion of arrival- why midlife can feel unsettling
The first half of life can feel like a linear journey, collecting milestones, achievements and material comforts as we move forward. We may arrive at midlife with the realisation that the map we’ve been following hasn’t led to quite where we imagined we’d end up, or else it’s where we intended, but it’s not how we imagined it would be.
Finding ourselves feeling unfulfilled, confused and restless and asking ‘what is the point to my life?’ can be at the very least, unsettling and if the rug has been pulled from under our life by sudden loss or change, all the more terrifyingly so.
In a bid to feel better quickly and escape the desperation, we might try on a new identity (or try to re-inhabit and old one) we might decide that a new job, spouse or car is the solution. This is the familiar trope of the midlife crisis. Radical change might well be needed, but a kneejerk reaction can be a risky move with serious and lasting consequences. A wiser course of action may be to hold the tension and explore the meaning of these unsettling feelings.
Embracing change- reimagining what’s possible
These confusing, unsettling feelings are messages from our psyche. At this time of life, we may feel depressed and anxious or begin to experience a raft of unexplained physical ailments. Could we consider these as a signal? That our inner compass needs recalibrating, that we are being called to reconsider what brings meaning to our lives? That the roles we’ve played- parent, partner, professional are important, but they aren’t all of who we are. Midlife offers the chance to ask, ‘what makes me whole?’ what matters most to me now?’
One of the great gifts of midlife is perspective. By this stage in life, we’ve weathered a few storms, we’ve celebrated some successes and survived disappointments. Could this hard-won resilience be the foundation from which to build something new?
A time to pause and reflect on life so far, what we love and what we might want to let go of
A time to reassess, to consider who we are in our roles and relationships, where we are acting out of obligation and expectation, how we can show up and relate from a more authentic place?
An opportunity to consider the patterns and habitual ways of behaving and relating which we developed in our early lives, and to ask, ‘are they still working for me?’
An opportunity to consider what might bring true meaning and fulfilment in the second half of life.
Practical steps to discovering your true self
There’s no exact timetable for arrival in midlife, it’s not necessarily a chronological midpoint, more a state of being. It might start to whisper in the approach to 40 or it might not be loud enough to hear until 60. It may announce its presence along with a major life change.
This process is deeply personal, but here are a few signposts to begin to find the way…
Make time for solitude: carve out time to be alone, not doing, but listening. If we can get quiet enough to hear that inner voice, what is yearned for? what fears surface? Solitude is fertile ground for self-awareness and discovery.
Set intentions rather than goals: Goals are for doing, intentions are for being- how can we set intentions for the life we really want? ‘I intend to show up for myself with curiosity and compassion’ ‘I intend to pause to check in with how I feel before I act’
Establish boundaries: if we’ve always put others first and struggled to prioritise our own needs, then midlife is the ideal opportunity to learn to set boundaries. By discerning what is our responsibility from what isn’t, we free time and space for ourselves. This isn’t selfish, it’s self-care and self-respect, which is crucial for wellbeing and healthy relationships.
Seek support: talk to trusted friends, find a support group or a therapist to walk beside you as you navigate this new landscape. The journey inward can be daunting; you don’t have to do it alone.
The adventure begins…
Midlife is not an ending, but it can feel like a loss, a grieving of lost youth, of the life unlived, the life imagined. Arriving at the crossroads of midlife can be unnerving and we may find ourselves feeling lost, unsure, anxious or depressed. It can be tempting to seek quick fixes or avoid facing the questions which are surfacing.
Midlife is also ripe with possibility. It is a threshold, an opportunity to embrace an evolving sense of who we really are.
This is a time to listen more deeply, to love ourselves more fiercely and to live more authentically. If we can step forward with courage and curiosity, then midlife can be an invitation, not to crisis, but to the richness that already exists within us and a life more aligned with our true selves.
The best may be yet to come!
If some of what I’ve written here resonates with you and you’d like some support in navigating the crossroads of midlife, do contact me to talk about how therapy could help.
Journal prompts
Which parts of me need more time and attention at this point in my life?
Where am I saying yes when I would like to say no?
How can I make more time for myself to reflect on my life?
Alexandra Stevenson MBACP is an experienced counsellor offering psychodynamic counselling and therapy in Hanley Swan in Worcestershire.
Contact Me
alex@alexandrastevensoncounselling.co.uk
Hanley Swan | Worcestershire